im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize