He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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