I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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