Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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