im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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