Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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