It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
