I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
