She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
