yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
