the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
