Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
