people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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