I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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