i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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