my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
