I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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