Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
