I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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