you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
