I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
