Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
