I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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