Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
