I need to stop coming to work sober
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
