I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
