so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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