shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
