Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Can you bring me the toilet please
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
