just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
