I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
