Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
soo... how was my night?
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