I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize