and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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