can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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