Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
