Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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