I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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