I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
