I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
