The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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