And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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