How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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