My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
