This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
