so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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