don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
