I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
