found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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