I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
