I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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