please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
