me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
