I'm drive I can fine osifer
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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