I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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