I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
