I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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