Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
