if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
