did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
