My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
