I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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