i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
