i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
